Hey guys! I'm not sure if anyone out there on teh internets will even see this as I'm sure everyone has forgotten I exist. Hell, some days I forget I exist. Anyway, I just wanted to give everyone an update, for those of you who might be wondering. I'm not going to lie. These past five months have been hell. And I'm still not through it. Not by a long shot. I've realized a lot about myself and have a lot to work on. It's been really slow going. I'm still living with my parents. Which is... weird and hard. I'm a difficult person to love and I have to give credit to them for being as supportive as they can be. I can imagine how hard it is to see your grown child struggling like I have been and be unable to do anything about it. Sometimes I feel like everyone lied to me. It doesn't get better with time. I just get better at faking it. I guess the shitty times make you grateful for the good times, but I just wish the shitty times weren't quite SO shitty. Haha. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing works out. But I NEVER say, "Things couldn't get any worse", because they can always get worse. So no matter HOW shitty you feel, you could always feel shittier. Comforting, huh? The other day I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and I seriously thought, "I wonder if I'm one of the saddest people in the world." After half a second I realized the absurdity of my thought process and burst out laughing. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person, laughing and sobbing at the same time. Anywaaaaaays, I've about forgotten where I'm going with this. Oh yeah. I miss blogging and I miss you all you guys. Ive started stealthily reading blogs again but I'm not quite up to commenting or blogging myself yet. I still paint my nails several times a week and buy makeup (or did before my meager savings ran out. Currently looking for a job, but realistically am unsure if I can hold a job right now. I need to at least try I guess. I'm just afraid to fail.) I'm loving the Revlon lip butters and L'Oreal's Infallible eyeshadows. Most of my makeup and nail polish are still at the ex's house (THAT situation is all fucked up and complicated) and I miss all my things! I've been meaning to make an update post in one of my semi-functional moments for a while, just have never got around to it. I'm glad I finally have.
I know this post sounds really pathetic and sad, but I'm alive guys. I chose to be alive. And for anyone who has ever experienced severe depression, that is huge. It means everything will eventually be okay. For those of you who have someone struggling with depression in your lives, I have some advice. Patience and consistency is key. While they are struggling they probably won't be able to show gratitude or love or much of anything towards you for being there for them, but that doesn't mean they don't love you and need you. If you haven't experienced it, it's hard to understand being completely consumed by the devastating sadness. The WORST thing you could ever tell a depressed person is to "Just get over it. Don't let it bother you." or "Just don't think about it". No one wants to feel depressed; saying these things only makes the person feel weak and their illness invalid. People who have struggled with mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. It took me years to not think of myself as weak, and it is still something I struggle with. I read a book title recently and it summed up my struggles perfectly- "How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me". Imagine having to struggle with life and death every waking second. And still choosing to live. If that doesn't show fucking strength I don't know what does. Okay, this part is highly personal. But I want people who haven't experienced it to understand, and those that have to know they aren't alone. A few months ago when I was at my lowest point, I actively considered suicide nearly every second of the day. I didn't want to die, I wasn't relieved that I would no longer be hurting, I was just in so much pain that I didn't feel there was any other choice. I read here that people consider suicide "When someone feels like their pain exceeds their resources and their ability to cope". I'm not sure exactly what it was that saved me. I guess I still had some hope. And I couldn't do it the people I loved. I at least owed it to them to keep trying. In the end I'm not sure what brought me around. I got help, but it wasn't medication (which due to another diagnosis I have has never really helped me. I took it for 10 years and it has only left me with annoying side effects even after having stopped 4 years ago.) and I never went to therapy, although I still should. I think I decided I wasn't going to allow myself to be the victim anymore. I wanted to take charge of my life. It's MY life; the only one I have. Just because you decide something doesn't mean it happens over night, though. It's a constant struggle. But I really believe I will be okay. Well, at least I do now. It will probably change tomorrow. :-P
Wow, I ended up typing way more than I meant to. It was cathartic, so even if no one reads it... I feel better. I miss everyone. Hopefully I can come back "for real" soon. Maybe this wasn't something I *should* have posted on the internet, but frankly I'm fucking sick of the stigma mental illness gets. When I was 15 I was talking to a nurse about how ashamed I was of having depression. Even 10 years later I remember perfectly what she said, "Look at me. I'm a diabetic. I've had diabetes since I was a child. Am I ashamed of it? No, because it's a medical condition and I can't help it. You should never let other people make you feel like less of a person because you can't help having depression either. You didn't choose this. The important thing is that you're getting help and your struggles will make you a stronger person." I don't remember her name, but she changed my life.
In case anyone needs proof that I'm still alive, here ya go. A crappy picture I took with my equally crappy cell phone. I've lost about 35-40 pounds. I think about half of that was from my double (or triple!) chin. Haha!