Monday, April 2, 2012

The obligatory "I'm Alive" post title.

Hey guys! I'm not sure if anyone out there on teh internets will even see this as I'm sure everyone has forgotten I exist. Hell, some days I forget I exist. Anyway, I just wanted to give everyone an update, for those of you who might be wondering. I'm not going to lie. These past five months have been hell. And I'm still not through it. Not by a long shot. I've realized a lot about myself and have a lot to work on. It's been really slow going. I'm still living with my parents. Which is... weird and hard. I'm a difficult person to love and I have to give credit to them for being as supportive as they can be. I can imagine how hard it is to see your grown child struggling like I have been and be unable to do anything about it. Sometimes I feel like everyone lied to me. It doesn't get better with time. I just get better at faking it. I guess the shitty times make you grateful for the good times, but I just wish the shitty times weren't quite SO shitty. Haha. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing works out. But I NEVER say, "Things couldn't get any worse", because they can always get worse. So no matter HOW shitty you feel, you could always feel shittier. Comforting, huh? The other day I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and I seriously thought, "I wonder if I'm one of the saddest people in the world." After half a second I realized the absurdity of my thought process and burst out laughing. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person, laughing and sobbing at the same time. Anywaaaaaays, I've about forgotten where I'm going with this. Oh yeah. I miss blogging and I miss you all you guys. Ive started stealthily reading blogs again but I'm not quite up to commenting or blogging myself yet. I still paint my nails several times a week and buy makeup (or did before my meager savings ran out. Currently looking for a job, but realistically am unsure if I can hold a job right now. I need to at least try I guess. I'm just afraid to fail.) I'm loving the Revlon lip butters and L'Oreal's Infallible eyeshadows. Most of my makeup and nail polish are still at the ex's house (THAT situation is all fucked up and complicated) and I miss all my things! I've been meaning to make an update post in one of my semi-functional moments for a while, just have never got around to it. I'm glad I finally have.

I know this post sounds really pathetic and sad, but I'm alive guys. I chose to be alive. And for anyone who has ever experienced severe depression, that is huge. It means everything will eventually be okay.  For those of you who have someone struggling with depression in your lives, I have some advice.  Patience and consistency is key. While they are struggling they probably won't be able to show gratitude or love or much of anything towards you for being there for them, but that doesn't mean they don't love you and need you. If you haven't experienced it, it's hard to understand being completely consumed by the devastating sadness. The WORST thing you could ever tell a depressed person is to "Just get over it. Don't let it bother you." or "Just don't think about it". No one wants to feel depressed; saying these things only makes the person feel weak and their illness invalid. People who have struggled with mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. It took me years to not think of myself as weak, and it is still something I struggle with. I read a book title recently and it summed up my struggles perfectly- "How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me". Imagine having to struggle with life and death every waking second. And still choosing to live. If that doesn't show fucking strength I don't know what does. Okay, this part is highly personal. But I want people who haven't experienced it to understand, and those that have to know they aren't alone. A few months ago when I was at my lowest point, I actively considered suicide nearly every second of the day. I didn't want to die, I wasn't relieved that I would no longer be hurting, I was just in so much pain that I didn't feel there was any other choice. I read here that people consider suicide "When someone feels like their pain exceeds their resources and their ability to cope". I'm not sure exactly what it was that saved me. I guess I still had some hope. And I couldn't do it the people I loved. I at least owed it to them to keep trying. In the end I'm not sure what brought me around. I got help, but it wasn't medication (which due to another diagnosis I have has never really helped me. I took it for 10 years and it has only left me with annoying side effects even after having stopped 4 years ago.) and I never went to therapy, although I still should.  I think I decided I wasn't going to allow myself to be the victim anymore. I wanted to take charge of my life. It's MY life; the only one I have. Just because you decide something doesn't mean it happens over night, though. It's a constant struggle. But I really believe I will be okay. Well, at least I do now. It will probably change tomorrow. :-P

Wow, I ended up typing way more than I meant to. It was cathartic, so even if no one reads it... I feel better. I miss everyone. Hopefully I can come back "for real" soon. Maybe this wasn't something I *should* have posted on the internet, but frankly I'm fucking sick of the stigma mental illness gets. When I was 15 I was talking to a nurse about how ashamed I was of having depression. Even 10 years later I remember perfectly what she said, "Look at me. I'm a diabetic. I've had diabetes since I was a child. Am I ashamed of it? No, because it's a medical condition and I can't help it. You should never let other people make you feel like less of a person because you can't help having depression either. You didn't choose this. The important thing is that you're getting help and your struggles will make you a stronger person." I don't remember her name, but she changed my life.

In case anyone needs proof that I'm still alive, here ya go. A crappy picture I took with my equally crappy cell phone. I've lost about 35-40 pounds. I think about half of that was from my double (or triple!) chin. Haha!

21 comments:

  1. Glad you're making progress....it takes time:)

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  2. So glad to hear you're doing ok. As for the depression,I've been there myself and know how hard it is to climb that moutain and come out into the sun. Just keep taking it one day at a time and you will get there eventually :)

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  3. *hugs* I miss the hell out of you! I hope things will get better for you soon. <3

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  4. Glad to hear from you!! Time is definitely the key... It sounds like you are on your way back up from being down low... good for you! It is *so hard* to pull yourself out - sorry this sounds cheesy - but you are strong! It takes SO MUCH strength to keep going and to focus on the positives (few as they might be sometimes) but you will get through this!

    HEARTS! (from someone who has been there herself) <33333

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  5. Glad to see you're alive and congrats on the weight loss! I miss seeing your posts!! Keep your head up and I hope things get better!

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  6. YAY!! I'm just kinda sad you no longer live in the Valley with me :-(

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  7. I check your blog often wondering how you've been. I'm glad to see that you are getting better and you look awesome!! Keep working on yourself, you're worth it :)

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  8. I'm so glad to see you're okay, I miss your pretty face! Glad to see you're feeling stronger. If there is anything I can do from across the pond - a dirty limerick, perhaps? - please, please let me know x

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  9. Nice to hear from you again, I hope you start blogging again when you feel better. I hope things get better for you very soon.

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  10. It's good to know you're working through it. I think most pain doesn't necessarily get better, it just changes. You learn how to deal with it in a way that lets you get back to yourself. Keep strong! Looking forward to when you're ready to come back (we do miss you!)

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  11. MY LOVE! I'm so glad to see you ;) First off, you look fanfriggintastic. Second, I read every word and I know it must still be so tough. I totally relate to the thought of you crying and laughing at the same time, wondering if you were the saddest person alive. I've done the exact same thing, except I was sitting in my closest, sobbing only to look up and realize I'm surrounded by shoes and stuffed animals that I've never thrown away and then I'd break out into a maniacal laugh. It does get better....it HAS to. I'm still constantly trying to figure out the meaning behind these "lessons" that life dishes out...I'm not religious, so I can't go there...it all has to be for something though! Email me if you get a chance...I miss talking to you!

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  12. Kept your blog bookmarked and something made me check in. Really glad to see your post. I've had a tough couple of years, and my mantra has been "one foot in front of the other." It's gotten me through those things, and it's what I read in your post. You should be proud of yourself, I am. Best of luck to you, you deserve it.

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  13. I was very happy to see your post on my google reader. Glad you are doing better. Hang in there kiddo! BTW, you look great!

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  14. Girl, it's so nice to see you post again! I suffer from depression too, and it gets tough, but remember that you have friends who want to see you live a good life. :)

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  15. I was so excited to see you post again! Please take all the time you need and know that we're all rooting for you and hoping you pull through this OK.

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  16. It makes me really happy to know how you're doing...I think of you all the time. I really can relate to the challenges you're facing, and I'm so glad you are choosing to fight the battle. It's hard work, but it's good work, too. Big hugs to you, girl.

    ~Ana

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  17. The Nurse gave you great advice. I'm glad that we connected on Twitter. I have "liked" your Facebook Page and following on bloglovin', too. Cyber Hugs to you, Jessi! x

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  18. I'm so glad to see that you're back and very moved by your post. Sometimes it's not about getting OVER stuff, it's about getting THROUGH it. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
    Don't worry about work, blog, etc.... don't think about wether you are disappoing others or being judged, do things for yourself. We are all going through our own lives and struggles that most of the time people are so wrapped up in themselves they aren't looking outside at others, really!
    Much love...

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