Hello

Hey guys. Sorry to leave you hanging with that non-post of a thing a few weeks ago. I just wanted to thank every one of you who commented and reached out to me in any way. It really helped me to know that people I may not know personally still care that much about me. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. You guys, I feel all of you are my friends, are really why I loved blogging so much. I'm sorry for leaving with no explanation but to type it out would have made it real and I wanted to keep refusing to believe it. But, I have to accept it now and move on.  As some of you may know I was with the same guy for nearly 9 years, since we were both 16. So all of my adult life and the latter part of my childhood.  I was blindsided by the "I don't feel the same way about you as I used to" speech and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" one as well. I was/am devastated. I was in a really bad place when we first got together as teenagers and I literally credit him with saving my life. I was on that bad of a downward spiral. I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but I built my life, my sanity, my reason for continuing to live around him. It was simply the only choice I had at the time. It has only been in the last year or two I've felt that I've really began to grow as my own person. But I still was (and am) madly in love with this man, who I consider to be the best person I have ever met. He feels horrible about hurting me. No, there wasn't anyone else for him, he cares about me and respects me too much to do that to me. And that is what makes this even more devastating to me- how awesome of a person he is. Also, I'm losing my best friend. The person with whom I would have stupid little nonsense conversations and we knew exactly what each other meant. The person who nursed me back to health so selflessly after a life-threatening illness and subsequent surgery. The person who paid for me to go to school AND my hospitals bills, and who is continuing to pay for my car and hospital bills because it "wouldn't be right to stop". I can't even express my sense of loss. My soul is shattered, but I have no choice but to keep on going. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the says ahead and I dread them. My whole life was overturned. I had to quit school for the time being and going back is starting to look iffy as I probably won't be able to get financial aid (another long story). I had to move away from my home, leave friends, and worst of all, 2 of our dogs. I got to keep one, but leaving the other 2 was horrible. I'm back living with my parents. Here I am almost 25 (on Friday) and I go from being an adult living with my significant other to being a kid again. Do you know how fucking weird it is from going from just running to Walgreens when you need to tampons to having to ask your mom to buy them for you?

So that is my overly long explanation. I thought you guys deserved it. As far as blogging goes... I don't know. I haven't worn makeup in weeks and I'm not sure if my love for it will survive. I certainly won't be able to afford to buy any for a long time. I didn't work because I was trying to finish school, but he (it's so hard to say my ex) always called the money he made "our" money. But of course it's not like that any more at my parents'. Anyway, I'm going off track again, I'm not sure I will be able to come back to blogging. Currently all my makeup and nail polish is 5 hours away at HIS place (not ours anymore). I need to go back and get my things but I just can't stomach going back there right now. I hope I do feel like blogging again some time, because I really miss all of you guys. Thank you again for all the amazing support and love. You guys helped make a time where I wasn't so sure I had the will to continue a little easier to bear. Things still aren't good by any means, but I no longer feel that I'm... going to do something that would not be good.

I'll be okay, because I've decided there is absolutely no other choice.