Friday, November 25, 2011

Hello

Hey guys. Sorry to leave you hanging with that non-post of a thing a few weeks ago. I just wanted to thank every one of you who commented and reached out to me in any way. It really helped me to know that people I may not know personally still care that much about me. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. You guys, I feel all of you are my friends, are really why I loved blogging so much. I'm sorry for leaving with no explanation but to type it out would have made it real and I wanted to keep refusing to believe it. But, I have to accept it now and move on.  As some of you may know I was with the same guy for nearly 9 years, since we were both 16. So all of my adult life and the latter part of my childhood.  I was blindsided by the "I don't feel the same way about you as I used to" speech and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" one as well. I was/am devastated. I was in a really bad place when we first got together as teenagers and I literally credit him with saving my life. I was on that bad of a downward spiral. I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but I built my life, my sanity, my reason for continuing to live around him. It was simply the only choice I had at the time. It has only been in the last year or two I've felt that I've really began to grow as my own person. But I still was (and am) madly in love with this man, who I consider to be the best person I have ever met. He feels horrible about hurting me. No, there wasn't anyone else for him, he cares about me and respects me too much to do that to me. And that is what makes this even more devastating to me- how awesome of a person he is. Also, I'm losing my best friend. The person with whom I would have stupid little nonsense conversations and we knew exactly what each other meant. The person who nursed me back to health so selflessly after a life-threatening illness and subsequent surgery. The person who paid for me to go to school AND my hospitals bills, and who is continuing to pay for my car and hospital bills because it "wouldn't be right to stop". I can't even express my sense of loss. My soul is shattered, but I have no choice but to keep on going. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the says ahead and I dread them. My whole life was overturned. I had to quit school for the time being and going back is starting to look iffy as I probably won't be able to get financial aid (another long story). I had to move away from my home, leave friends, and worst of all, 2 of our dogs. I got to keep one, but leaving the other 2 was horrible. I'm back living with my parents. Here I am almost 25 (on Friday) and I go from being an adult living with my significant other to being a kid again. Do you know how fucking weird it is from going from just running to Walgreens when you need to tampons to having to ask your mom to buy them for you?

So that is my overly long explanation. I thought you guys deserved it. As far as blogging goes... I don't know. I haven't worn makeup in weeks and I'm not sure if my love for it will survive. I certainly won't be able to afford to buy any for a long time. I didn't work because I was trying to finish school, but he (it's so hard to say my ex) always called the money he made "our" money. But of course it's not like that any more at my parents'. Anyway, I'm going off track again, I'm not sure I will be able to come back to blogging. Currently all my makeup and nail polish is 5 hours away at HIS place (not ours anymore). I need to go back and get my things but I just can't stomach going back there right now. I hope I do feel like blogging again some time, because I really miss all of you guys. Thank you again for all the amazing support and love. You guys helped make a time where I wasn't so sure I had the will to continue a little easier to bear. Things still aren't good by any means, but I no longer feel that I'm... going to do something that would not be good.

I'll be okay, because I've decided there is absolutely no other choice.

24 comments:

  1. Oh honey. Sending lots of positive thoughts and feelings your way...

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  2. I am so sorry! I hope once again you find your love for makeup and blogging soon. We are always here for you when you need us! Much love <3

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  3. I had a feeling what had happened, but was hoping I was wrong. Keep strong. I can't say it will get better soon, it's one of those things that just needs time. And don't feel bad about being back home for now. I came back home after a bad roommate situation and I'm older than you. It's nice to have family in tough times and I'm glad to hear yours has been able to be there for you.

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  4. I'm so so happy that you decided to post an update <3 It broke my heart to read this because I'm going through something very similar, but definitely not as heartbreaking as what you are. I totally feel for you though and I think the fact that you've realized that you have no other choice than to simply be okay is so wise and admirable. My email is embellishmentsbeauty@gmail.com if you ever want to talk.

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  5. Always a guy, who can rock our worlds in the best and worst of ways. I'm so sorry, hon.

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  6. We love you hon, and I was really worried about you! Ihope things straighten out for you sooner than later, we're here for you!

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  7. I've been reading (and not commenting) for a couple months. I know what all that feels like, you build a life around a person, make them your reason for living and then it all comes crashing down. But trust me, it can be so much better for you in the end. You really get to know yourself and begin to live for yourself and everyone deserves at least some time to do that early on in life, in case you have kids because if you did it's a long time before you can think of yourself again. So enjoy this, get a part time job or something and pamper yourself. you wanna watch a chick flick, now you can!

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  8. You poor thing. You hang in there. It's a really painful thing to go through, so surround yourself with loved ones and take your time recovering. All our thoughts are with you!

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  9. Take one day at a time, it WILL get better over time, maybe a long time, you won't feel like this forever even though you can't see it now. Big HUGS coming across the pond from the UK x

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  10. I understand more than I can share, but I can understand being with a guy whose relationship was started in such a way. Lots of love and strength sent your way, good luck and <333333!

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  11. I'm glad to see a post from you but it's so hard to hear you're going through this. I have been in a very similar situation before and it's hard. Hang in there. I'm glad you had your parents' house to turn to, at least.

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  12. I never understood that man phrase "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" what the hell does that even mean? Please know that you will be ok. I know it sucks now but it will get better. You are lucky to have a guy who was hi est with you instead of leading you on and or cheating on you. I had two husbands that did that to me. So I can appreciate your pain but also the fact that he was honest with you and is still helping you out. That means something. And hopefully someone who is that important to you will someday still be your friend.

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  13. i hope you feel better soon. even though it's really hard right now just take it one day at a time and really work to get to that place where you're happy without him because you're a beautiful wonderful person whom God loves and you can overcome this and be happy again xoxo

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  14. I'm so terribly sorry for you and can understand your pain- though not to the same degree yet still along similar lines. Losing someone is one of the hardest things. Take care of yourself and know that better things will come! xox

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  15. I'm sending so much love and positivity your way, Jessi. *massive hugs*

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  16. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I've loved reading your blog since I found it, and I hope that someday you'll be able to return to blogging. My prayers are with you.

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  17. As bad as this is remember that "with each end come a new beginning". Your life is not over. You have many allies. Talk to me on FB if you need to. :)

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  18. I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this. I hope one day you'll be able to return, but even more than that I hope you do feel better soon and that you find happiness again. Take care of yourself and you are in my thoughts.

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  19. I hurt for you after reading this. All I can say is I'm sorry babe.

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  20. I was thinking of you today <3

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  21. Hi sweetie, I am so sorry to read this and feel how painful this must be for you. This is one of your tough times in life, but the pain will be matched equally by your strength once you climb over this mountainous challenge of recovering your life. This is a turning point for you, but from your words I predict you will move toward positivity, and not let this destroy you, as it might a weaker person.
    I hope you feel lots of support for your future growth. Sending you positive vibes for healing, and a wish for you to treat yourself kindly and with love. You will be so strong once you are over this!

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  22. I'm so sorry to hear. Your love for beauty will never die. I went through something similar. I was able to grow more into my own person. I am more myself than I ever was when I was married. I lived for him which is not how it is supposed to be. You have to be strong and positive. You will be happy again. I look forward to reading more blogs from you.

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  23. Sigh...I come back here every now and again, hoping to "see" you. I miss you! XOXOX

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Thank you so much for your comments! I appreciate them all and read every one!

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